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A little more self-insight - it helps I now have the only great… - My heart is mine to give to whom I will
..and I have the Gift of a Mortal Life..or choose to fade with the Grey Ships.

Date: 2010-01-04 16:14
Subject: (no subject)
Security: Public
A little more self-insight - it helps
I now have the only great psychiatrist/therapist I've ever had. He actually seems to tell me tales, interpret my dreams, and just ask me relevant questions that have let me learn about myself. Non of my other therapists have ever taught me anything I didn't already psychologically know about myself.

I've learned just how much my mother affects, my self-esteem and my ED behaviours.  I was SO surprised at the extent of this effect.
He told me to just try and live on my own for a little and do (nice/useful) things that please me.  Whenever I'm just with her - eating, talking, browsing shops etc - she makes so many l negative comments she makes.  Sometimes it's criticism of me, which hurts of course, but she also makes a negative out of everything - so many things seem a stress and she seems unhappy about tiny things - just general stuff - nothing to do with me.  This Shouldn't affect me.  But it does.

My Dr. I (great therapist) gave me an excersise:  Be myself, - talk how I would normally speak but speak to a minimum so as not to 'lead' mums reactions  - and see just How much I differ from my mum speech:  Then tally up our conversation into positive, negative and neutral comments.  I did this for 1 hour.  Results:
Mum:                                                me
  neutral: 20                                           neutral: 8
  positive: 5                                            positive: 7               
  negative: 40
                                        negative: 2                 
That made me think:  I never realized how much it worries me and makes me feel - just - bad - so I use my bad vices
He's also taught me about me being affected about being a  premature (very ill) baby.   My parents had been trying for a baby for years and we're both quite old Mum blamed herself, of course, for giving birth too early - I was very much a wanted baby then nearly died.so I've ended up an only -child who has a very close and loving relationship with my parents.  Too close? . I love them so much and adore their company, but:                                    

I need to learn to get away and learn to be my own person.  I worry TOO much about every aspect of other people's lives.  - This has translated from worrying about my parents to worrying about everybody in the world.  I get more self-esteem and happiness in the things I enjoy - not worry what other people think of me.

People scare me.
I blame myself for everyones unhappiness because I've upset and worried people ever since I was born. Sounds stupid - but it's nothing to do with common sense or intelligence - Its Subconscious.
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User: rogue_robin
Date: 2010-02-08 12:31 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
People aren't all scary IMO. Just the fact that their moods can influence the way they see you. I often feel terrified of what people might be thinking. But this diminishes when I take care of my own mood and think kind thoughts about others (as I know you certainly seem to) because then I assume others are thinking kind thoughts too. We all tend to see the world through our own set of assumptions, and... even if people do see you in a different light than you intend and deserve to be seen, if you are doing your own best, usually the fault is actually within them, not you. So don't be scared of people. It's the noise and haste, sturm and drang, that's scarier.. but I know I would personally rather, as Susanna Kaysen says in Girl, Interrupted "Be fucking IN IT" than in this stinky old ED.

I'll be popping in to read your journal from time to time, if you don't mind. I'm still floating around.. :) Take care!
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User: psyis
Date: 2013-02-16 16:25 (UTC)
Subject: (no subject)
Login and get off hot locals Go Here dld.bz/chwZR
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my journal
March 2013