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My heart is mine to give to whom I will
..and I have the Gift of a Mortal Life..or choose to fade with the Grey Ships.

Date: 2008-03-05 14:47
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Mum's sad and worried about many things at the moment, but it always ends up with her channeling her emotions towards me.  So I get a morning of anger.  (one splash of coffee on the table and getting up 20 minutes late! - OMG.

So I was rather sad when I got to dad's office and had an uncharacteristic cry and ED disscusion with him.  We usually see eye-to-eye over my treatment and he's usually supportive but today I feel crushed.  He just doesn't get that part of the reason I have this disease is because I'm an only child, absolutely desperate to see my parents happy.  I feel put upon to be perfect and worry SO much when they are feeling bad about their own lives.  He comes back at me with the 'if I was well, they WOULD be happy' - which is NOT true.  He's dodging between mum and his secretary and they're both worried about money, divorce and bloody miserable about health issues and stuff.  Him and his 2 ladies is not 'normal'.

(And he has a talk with me about how things would be sweetness and light if I were well and making progress.  They don't see what my head is telling me - only practical things.  I've gained 8lb since my lowest weight and that's not good enough.  Meanwhile I NEED to get the head sorted before the body.)

He's saying he can't continue working because MY illness stresses him so much.  His unhappiness is all my fault!??? Yeah.  They both channel their emotions into me and I feel so blamed I can't like myself enough to recover.
I feel so bad right now.  It Does seem like it's all my fault if that's what he's thinking - even if he's wrong! 

And he says - "I shouldn't be on here talking to you guys about this because you're not normal".  Nice.

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Date: 2008-02-29 16:12
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Location:London basement office
 Sooo.... Prince Hal's been having a nice time in Afghanistan - I'm pleased to hear.  He appears to have enjoyed it anyway. - good for him.  - Sunshine and annonymity!!
Perhaps I ought to try and recover and join up.  Travel and putting yourself into rough conditions MUST make you feel of some worth.  Army? Volunteer with the orphanage?  How could I find time, energy and selfishness to be EDed.
How to make the first steps is the hardest part.  My BMIs too low to be employed in any capacity like that - but just starting might get the ball rolling.

I know now I need to feel of value.  I'm FED UP of my mum always making feel inferior and in the wrong about EVERYTHING.  I resent it now that I think I've been conditioned just to feel in the wrong.  The more I'm around normal people I realise - yes, I CAN actually exist on this planet for myself and be useful. 

And I didn't feel any earthquake!  Guess what I was doing at the time it struck.  Lets just say I was rather distracted by b/p business.  LOL.  Can NOTHING stop an ED?  The sun will explode one day or we'll all fall into a timeless black hole and I'll still be gazing at small sausages and cheese dip. 
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Date: 2008-02-18 16:14
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Sorry for absence (those who remember/care) and

THANK YOU so much to everyone who asked after me.  

I've had a few computer problems and been to apathetic and depressed to sort them out.

I've been quite bad lately - I feel like some sort of Kamekazi pilot:. Like the little boy in 'The Empire of the Sun' - I understand and kind of admire the Kamekazi. (No good comes of it, but it's a cause to believe in - somehow - however sick)

I love you all - have a peaceful day/night whatever time you're at:


EDIT:  Nah - it wasn't meant to be a depressing post.  I'm not willing to die - far from it!!!.
Sorry the link didn't work - it explains more about how I'm feeling. - Highlight and drag the link to the top toolbar http box.  That gets you there just as quick.  I highly recommend it.
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Date: 2008-01-17 23:29
Subject: (no subject)
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Rant preparation!I have a great session with my therapist about my relationship with my mum.  I've learned what our problems are!  She's emotionally repressed and it all comes out in OCD around "seeing practical results" :   my Weight, my behaviour, my mood, money  etc.  me. me. me.  She can't let go of her baby.  I'm 27! 

Now I feel like crying because I make her so sad.  I have been down lately in mood and been doing written journaling 'homework' from my therapist - in my room.  I'm down, mentally because I'm sad now that I understand all this.  It's depressing.  Dad's buggered off with his secretary and I'm all she has to focus on.  All her sadness comes out as anger and frustration at ME.   I've had a whole week of her 'anger' and I KNOW it's because she loves me - but I can't take the meaning in if she constantly seems angry. 

I feel all alone because I'm stuck with a person who will make NO attempt to connect with me on an emotional level.  It's my life.  I should leave her to it - alone:  but she's my mum, and right from a kid she's been the only person who's ever stuck by me.  The world without her is scary and unknown.  Without me sick - I wonder what she'd do or how she'd cope.  I'm scared of this too.
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Date: 2008-01-13 17:29
Subject: (no subject)
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In my more depressed moments, I find this to really hit my ED nerve:  

<embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/p8T3IxGOHHY&rel=1"

The lyrics express some of the stuff well.  But Gollum, his lust after the ring,  something that will ultimately destroy him,  feel just like having an ED. - Craving something that is ultimately fatal.
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Date: 2007-12-30 19:10
Subject: Some pics.
Security: Public
Hope people are OK ! Post Xmas slump and all that - it cn be a bit of a depressing time, so best wishes to all you lovely folk.
msreid asked me to post a pic of my ipod - so here it is.  Not very exciting, but here ya go:

and last time I put up pics, they were very gloomy and people said I should smile.  Well.....I tried, honestly.  I hate most pics of myself myself at the moment because I'm so scrawny but I'm a happy bunny most of the time.

I think gaining also has someting to do with the port-xmas sales of left-over food.  I find I end up spending MORE than I would have done if things had beed full price.  Then once you've bought it, you've gotta eat it, right? - even if most of it 'gets wasted' anyway.   I can't wait to see my therapist again.  They shouldn't be allowed to take holidays - it's unfair on their patients. - how dare they?
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Date: 2007-12-27 22:17
Subject: (no subject)
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Hi all. xxx
Lil' update? Why not?

<b>Hope you all had as pleasant a Christmas as possible - I really do! </b> I hope everyone got at least SOME joy out of the holidays. There's still New year coming up - so more time for either 'repenting' or making up for lost 'fun' - Yeah?

I've been busy! wow. - Family, Voluntary work and customising my NEW ipod - (Yay for Santa).
I actually has a pretty nice Christmas all-in-all. My mood's been good. The family's been great. Can't complain there, and physically I'm ticking over.
I love seeing people's reactions when I know I've given them a present they've liked - and I'm happy with my 'Santa-duties this year. I did well, too - as mentioned above, plus some pretty good books as well.

FOOD - (er.. yeah the only bad point - but it was bound to be).
Although I love being with my family, dearly - I'm going through a very scary food-phase and sitting and eating (physically swallowing) is mentally very difficult - I feel such a wimp. Dad didn't come home for xmas, and ALL the family tried to IGNORE the fact that he'd rather spend it with his other woman and the treat him as though the sun shines out of his ass when he comes home on the 27th - including me, mum, his sister - all of us. The problem is he's such a nice, kind, generous and friendly man - no-one can be cross with him. I suppose thats party why I take my anger out on myself. I miss him.

Thankfully I managed a small Xmas dinner (cooked by my lovely aunt) - WITHOUT purging! Otherwise food's been bad. I've restricted FAR too much and only done my one b/p per night, so I guess I've slipped up. But I'm still mentally and physically bright and determined to get a grip on this - it' stupid. My weight's not changed much - so that's OK.
I'm also proud of myself for staying right off the booze! (for those of you who don't know I'm a recovering alcoholic).
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Date: 2007-12-21 00:14
Subject: Christmassy? Gratuitous rant - feel free to skip.
Security: Public
It's weird I'm better on the Prozac and for the first time in years I AM actually feeling quite christmassy. Having said that - I'm dreading the big few days themselves! and I don't want to be part of them.  I have the seasonal spirit, but I'm sad, too.

I have to have lunch with my aunt and uncle and his family. I want to restrict - but I know I'll end up purging anyway, but I'll have to leave SO much time it won't be any good. I hate holiday meals.  We were going to be at home with mum and me cooking together.  I like that, but that was changed when Dad was forced to change his mind about coming home - so he's avoiding that situation.

I'll be with mum and other family - but not Dad. He's spending it with his bitch OCD control freak girlfriend!! I know he doesn't want to. Since he and mum are still very close he wanted to spend it with her, my aunt (his sister) and ME (mostly - although that sounds arrogant - I know he did). She's managed to persuade him to spend christmas with HER parents up north. Last Christmas he spent it with her and he admitted to one of my aunts that "he hadn't enjoyed it at all" - I'm really worried about him. So many people right from distant friends, workmen and close family have randomly commented that he doesn't seem happy any more. I hope he's happy with his new woman - but the more I see of of her the more I see a control-freak with food issues who, to be honest is dull and very much less intelligent than he is. F***k knows what they find to talk about.
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Date: 2007-12-17 02:10
Subject: Broken blood vesssels and purging! interesting new discovery.
Security: Public
I know that raised blood pressure whilst purging can break blood vessels in the eye.  It happens to lots of us, but I've just discovered someting else.

A few days ago I gave myself a large black eye.  OK - so nothing to be alarmed about - I hit my face on the handle of a metal trolley thing, but it was a bad bruise.
Purging made it much worse and turned the bruise larger and redder. 
(sorry, boring post - I just thought it was a new and previously un-posted fact about the dangers of purging).

In other news, I guess I'm not doing so well.

- Still enjoying work and life!  I'm sick of EDs and I want a real life now.  But my body has more catching up to do than my head - and the prozac isn't helping the physical, only the mental.  I'm coming on well with my therapist and SLOWLY changing my eating for the better. My psyc. wants me to come off the prozac for a while because he thinks that it's kind of 'cured much of my bulimia - leaving me with less actual eating and triggered my anorexia badly' - although I still b/p every day!  I HAVE lost my physical appetite on prozac, but I'm pissed off - not because of the ED side of things, but because I finally found a drug that has helped my depression and I don't want to lose my new-found motivation.  My actual steps forward mentally with the ED are slow - but without the Prozac - I wasn't interested in recovery AT ALL.  I want it now - and he wants to take away the pill that's given me my life-spark back.  I DO undestand his reasoning - but It seems so complicated.  I haven't felt truly happy and human for years - until prozac (even all the other SSRI's did NOTHING).
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Date: 2007-12-09 19:31
Subject: Truffle and Little Tabs - self-indulgent ramblings
Security: Public

I guess it's been an 'off' few days for not much reason. I think really trying to get into at least some sort of 'recovery mode' is bringing up a lot of feelings and real thoughts that are crystalizing properly in my head.

I have to accept that I no longer have a family. I have most of the members of it, who love me - but no more fantasy childhood mum, dad, gran, and me together around the family dinner table. That's why I can't sit down around a table with others and enjoy meals. It feels wrong. When I was young, food was 'family at the table together'. Now food is nothing because we're all apart. (Well, except mum - who's as sad as I am about Dad buggering off). I watched my gran die in front of me - collapsed in the street. Her last words were "I want to go home". She used to cook the most amazing trout with mash and then baked apples. I'm glad I was with her when she died. But I MUST accept it's gone. My meals, my food, my choice.

Thanks to all who gave such comfort and practical advice to my last post. http://community.livejournal.com/purgatorium/6594659.html My therapist suggests finding a scheduled time to sit down at the table for a small, safe meal. Sounds great - but I've just explained my stumbling block.

Sorry, I'm really rambling.  This entry was meant as an 'ode to my cats'.  My suggestion of the month - GET CATS.  I had a little cry yesterday.  One of those curl-up under the duvet and cry about nothing & everything.  My cats came all the way from downstairs sensing I was down.  I was snuggled with and they licked my tears away.  A cat will always improve your life.
Thanks again guys and I love you all.

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March 2013