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My heart is mine to give to whom I will
..and I have the Gift of a Mortal Life..or choose to fade with the Grey Ships.

Date: 2013-03-30 12:18
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For anyone who still has me on their friends page, I've come back to livejournal under a new account.  Find me at danimalstitcher

it would be great to find some familiar users out there.
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Date: 2010-01-13 01:07
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First dream out of hospital

 I had a session with my wonderful therapist today and he alwys wants to interpret my dreams: Not in a silly way, but he has taught me how to associate what I dream with how I feel. He also says that every event, item or person represents some aspect of you yorself . He said these ones were so rich he made me type them out for him to read and study.  He's the only person I've ever found who seems to always understand the way I think.  He inspired me to type that penguin post community.livejournal.com/the_purg/

These are my recent dreams - maybe you can interpret them the same way he did:

Mum and dad were in the front of his green little car.  Dad calmly driving slowly and steadily, but mum stressing about the snow/icy conditions.

I was sat in the back.

We got stuck in the snow outside a row of parked cars next to a battered old brown car with a distressed old lady inside.  She shouted through the windows to dad that  - she was stuck outside her own house because she’d lost her keys  I was SO frustrated because I was in the back and couldn’t hear what she was saying. (Her voice was messed up, she could only whisper having just come out of hospital as in my (Real Life (IRL).  ) Dad leaned out so he could hear her, mum wasn’t trying to hear.  Dad took the time to explain to me what she had said and I SO wanted to help her because she seemed such a nice old lady, and so did dad.

 So we all got out and helped her into her house – somehow?  Dad and I helped her inside and straight upstairs.  Mum followed reluctantly and want straight to sit down in the kitchen. 

As the 3 of us went upstairs to bed because she needed to rest . Her house turned into my IRL house.  We took her first to our front bedroom (Mums bedroom) – but the room was filled with penguins!  All types – big/small/cuddly toys/antique ornaments/paintings etc.  We couldn’t put her on that bed because there were too many penguins on it.

So dad and I took her to the back bedroom (where mum and dad used to sleep when he lived here)

She was wearing the same old red dressing gown as the old lady  (IRL) had been wearing in the hospital bed next to me who I  had tried to comfort and help by holding her hand when she was shouting but I couldn’t help and she held my hand with a such a grip that I couldn’t pull my hand away  - I was stuck, trying to release myself from the grip of just one old lady’s hand and I really couldn’t – the grip was so tight.  In the end she nurse had to come and set me free and calm her down.  I hadn’t helped at all, only got a bruised hand)

Dad and I put her to bed sat with her because she was so scared and shaken up by the whole experience and I felt so sorry for her I needed to help in some way.  I was thinking kindly of dad for staying but wondered why mum was still downstairs in the kitchen.  In the bedroom, the phone rang.  Dad answered  because (IRL)I have a phone phobia and in my mind they always bring bad news.

It was the Police!  The nice old lady was a murderer – she had accidentally knocked down her son in the road, hit-and-run’ .  She’d killed him.  I felt shocked and sad when I heard the news but not scared of her.  It was an accident and she was  such a nice lady I was just sorry for her.  She did not deny her crime and got straight out of bed to dress.  I was surprised that when she took off her night clothes she stood naked in front of us!!! Before putting her clothes on preparing to be arrested.

Dad changed into a policeman (all of sudden) helmet and uniform, too.  –And he read her her ‘rights’ – arresting her.  He left to complete some paperwork.  I was left alone with her sat on the bed.  She was so scared saying ‘I cant go to prison, I just can’t go to prison’  I felt so bad for her and said ‘I’ve done things like that in the past – Things I never thought I could do, but I did them.  You can do anything if you try.  They might not send you to prison anyway.  You could do ‘community service’  and be doing something useful. I felt that this would be better for her.

She was still so frightened that I wanted to do SOMETHING to help.  I asked if I could get her a sandwich or something.  She said’ I’d like a cup of coffee, lots of. No sugar’.  I went down to her kitchen (It was now my (IRL) Banstead kitchen.  Mum was still sitting, looking very bored and gloomy.  She was sitting right next to the kettle, so I asked her to make the coffee.  She didn’t move but sat and stared at me for AGES.   I wondered why she was sitting and staring.  THEN I knew it was a dream because in IRL there was NO way she’d refuse to make me coffee. 

This IS a dream – WOKE UP.

Next Night – 2nd night out of hospital


Mum and I were walking in the snow.  She said ‘you really need a haircut’  (IRL – I do.  I wanted my fringe cut.  Mum wants me to get a proper bobbed/layered haircut – thinks it would make me look better and feel better about myself). Happily enough I agreed.

We were walking past a row of scruffy terraced houses and co-incidentally say a sign on one door saying Hairdresser – please knock and apply within’ -  when she appeared at the door I felt so sorry for her – I knew she was a single mother, struggling and trying to make a bit of extra money working from home.  Mum didn’t care about this aspect, she just wanted me to have a haircut.  But I knew I needed one anyway, so we knocked and the hairdresser  (a rather thin, sad looking blonde woman) let us in.

I had my haircut, then she roughly braided it into a plat.  I was a bit suspicious.  Was this to hide a bad job, but I wasn’t too worried.  I had suspicions, though so I took the plat out to let it hang loose.  She’d done next to nothing!!  She hadn’t cut my fringe ALL (IRL what I wanted) and she’d just cut a few inches of the bottom of my hair (IRL – mum wants my hair short and styled).  Mum (looking on)  was fuming with rage.  I wasn’t too bothered, but I was disappointed about my fringe)  I thought she’s obviously a con-woman – not a proper hairdresser, but I still wanted to pay her and asked for the bill: £999.99.  No Way – I told her I couldn’t and wouldn’t pay that much for a rubbish haircut.  I was shocked and angry – suspecting she was a con-woman anyway, but Mum felt the same way.  She was much angrier than I was.  I still felt so sorry for her and her situation that I still wanted to give her something and asked if she could give a reduction. 

Her ‘Legal Agent’ suddenly appeared (a rather plump, jolly lady with a pretty, short haircut. ) – to read the ‘Hairdressers legal code’  

Conditions for reduction; - to £729.30

1.      The customer of the hairdresser was born premature   (IRL,  I was)

2.      The customer of the hairdresser was born as a result of a boxing match (I pictured (IRL) that tiny boxer                                                                                                                                                           beating that huge heavyweight)  

3.      The customer  is a relative of a rabbit (I pictured in my mind (IRL a miserable-looking cat being dressed up in these new pet-outfits by some silly person.  The owner had stuck a large pink hat over this poor cat’s head with large rabbit-ears sticking up) (IRL) – if you trace history back far enough all species are related to each other – But I thought later, I DO feel like a relative of our cats sometimes.  I’m an only child and yet mum seems to give just as much outward affection and concern  to them as she does to me. 


Mum paid – SO SO angry.  We all left the house.  Agent and hairdresser drove off in a big black car.  Mum and I sat on the bonnet of OUR car(lovely espensive red sport’s car) laughing about the stupidity of  the rules.  We both found it so funny.  Then the hairdresser came back and I was surprised at how sorry she was.  She said how much she was struggling and that it was late in the day and she was tired and not concentrating). I was sorry for mum, but mum wasn’t really listening.  She even gave the money back. – WOKE UP.
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Date: 2010-01-05 18:53
Subject: My Pets!
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Arwen Arwen



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Date: 2010-01-04 16:14
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A little more self-insight - it helps
I now have the only great psychiatrist/therapist I've ever had. He actually seems to tell me tales, interpret my dreams, and just ask me relevant questions that have let me learn about myself. Non of my other therapists have ever taught me anything I didn't already psychologically know about myself.

I've learned just how much my mother affects, my self-esteem and my ED behaviours.  I was SO surprised at the extent of this effect.
He told me to just try and live on my own for a little and do (nice/useful) things that please me.  Whenever I'm just with her - eating, talking, browsing shops etc - she makes so many l negative comments she makes.  Sometimes it's criticism of me, which hurts of course, but she also makes a negative out of everything - so many things seem a stress and she seems unhappy about tiny things - just general stuff - nothing to do with me.  This Shouldn't affect me.  But it does.

My Dr. I (great therapist) gave me an excersise:  Be myself, - talk how I would normally speak but speak to a minimum so as not to 'lead' mums reactions  - and see just How much I differ from my mum speech:  Then tally up our conversation into positive, negative and neutral comments.  I did this for 1 hour.  Results:
Mum:                                                me
  neutral: 20                                           neutral: 8
  positive: 5                                            positive: 7               
  negative: 40
                                        negative: 2                 
That made me think:  I never realized how much it worries me and makes me feel - just - bad - so I use my bad vices
He's also taught me about me being affected about being a  premature (very ill) baby.   My parents had been trying for a baby for years and we're both quite old Mum blamed herself, of course, for giving birth too early - I was very much a wanted baby then nearly died.so I've ended up an only -child who has a very close and loving relationship with my parents.  Too close? . I love them so much and adore their company, but:                                    

I need to learn to get away and learn to be my own person.  I worry TOO much about every aspect of other people's lives.  - This has translated from worrying about my parents to worrying about everybody in the world.  I get more self-esteem and happiness in the things I enjoy - not worry what other people think of me.

People scare me.
I blame myself for everyones unhappiness because I've upset and worried people ever since I was born. Sounds stupid - but it's nothing to do with common sense or intelligence - Its Subconscious.
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Date: 2010-01-01 17:20
Subject: cross-posted news letter
Security: Public
How am I? I'm so used to just saying 'I'm ok' like we all seem to have to do IRL most the time - but truly I guess I'm just up and down.

I'm trying slowly to move out of my old home (The old house holds many bad memories and I've been living with mum for TOO long!)
So I'm lucky enough to have a cool new apartment which I'm moving into bit by bit. - still struggling with the EDs and alcohol sometimes but I still have hopes and dreams of living a somewhat normal life.

Still wanting/needing a Job - which is hard in this current economic situation AND me still looking obviously thin and being kind of ill. Depression, self-harm, alcoholism and EDs really don't stand you in a very good position for job-hunting! But, hey - I'm still at least hopeful and willing to try. - and my new therapist is great. I think he's actually helping me lots. I AM a LOT better than I now than have been.

Having said that I've only just got out of hospital. It wasn't even my own fault (for once) - I had a seriously bad allergic reaction to my anti-depressant pills. I've bounced back pretty well though apart from my voice. I sound like a demented Darth-Vader and can only whisper afterhaving tube-feed and a ventilator shoved down my throat - sedated in intensive care. Still - sedation is always nice. I love being away with the fairies on diazepam!

I also have a cool new hamster, Pan, who is giving much me much hamstery joy. We even managed to have a nice xmas and new-year.
xx. T.
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Date: 2009-12-31 18:53
Subject: Having to use dad's computer
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So I'm still chugging along. Slowly moving into my new apartment which I love. I need to get away from home, having a change of life and getting away from mum. (Complete love / hate relationship) Nearly all love of course, but we've just been living together for too long! Dad can now come down more easily to visit and since he knows I'll be alone he might do so more - hope so - I miss him terribly

I'll miss the cats - but not the old house. To many bad memories. I'm trying to be 'good' - eating/drinking etc, but it's going to be hard. Still - I have to try.
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Date: 2008-11-01 17:14
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So this is me. At home and ok. My mum and dad are the best (mum and dad). Not husband and wife!! Thats OK. Thanks - all!!!! my friends who've supported me!. I'm still here and struggling - with u. xxx.
Im ok but life is lonely.
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Date: 2008-06-15 01:00
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Temp upload for linkage purpose                           
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Date: 2008-05-24 20:53
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I'm always up and down, mood and weight-wise. Meh, it varies from minute to minute.
I'm always better in the summer I think and am actually enjoying 'stuff' sometimes - which is a huge improvement on last year. I like my 2 work-days a week (medical secretary for my dad), and my voluntary work with my lovely blind lady gives me pleasure. We are also keeping a couple of beehives now which is quite cool - mostly because mum loves doing this and it makes me happy to see her enjoying a hobby of her own choosing   

I'm enthused that I felt brave enough to book a holiday with mum, and I WANT to enjoy it. We're staying down in a self-catering (thank god) cottage on the south coast around Dorset (England - btw). I'm really nervous, though - and only about the food issues! - blaagh boo sucks. I have a feeling I'll be living off porridge, pepsi max and copious teas and coffees. At least I put milk in hot drinks. Hopefully being on the coast I can try and eat fish - that feels like I could try and make it feel 'safe'. IDK, looks nice, though:

Wow, though - I'm so fed up at the intermittent depression that still creeps up and I want rid of this ongoing rampant ED!!!!!! I'm fully aware my weight is FAR too low, and it's a vicious circle. It makes me depressed, anxious and grumpy - and the lower the weight the lower your brain 'needs' it to be = more food-phobia. I feel like a coward for not breaking this, but at least I don't WANT an ED for a friend any more. Skinniness is not desirable and I'm always being told I have 'more to offer'. This is hard - living with a 'disease of the emotions'

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Date: 2008-05-23 23:35
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I've lost my attempt at a happy day today.  1 b/p - not planned, damn.  Just a little gloomy so I found this on youtube and it makes me a bit happier. 
Strictly no clicking for enya-hatersCollapse )
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my journal
March 2013