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So this is me. At home and ok. My mum and dad are the best (mum and… - My heart is mine to give to whom I will
..and I have the Gift of a Mortal Life..or choose to fade with the Grey Ships.

Date: 2008-11-01 17:14
Subject: (no subject)
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So this is me. At home and ok. My mum and dad are the best (mum and dad). Not husband and wife!! Thats OK. Thanks - all!!!! my friends who've supported me!. I'm still here and struggling - with u. xxx.
Im ok but life is lonely.
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User: tungata1
Date: 2009-10-31 12:21 (UTC)
Subject: Haunting me
I saw your 'crumbling to dust' message a few weeks ago by accident, Arwens Ghost, and as a good ghost should you have been haunting me.....
I am 54 and began being bulimic at the age of 15. Would you believe it the term Bulimia had not been coined then? When eventually I was hospitalised and seen by none other than Peter Daly himself, he referred to my case as an Anorexia Variant....
But anyway, my bones ARE bad, VERY VERY bad.....and my teeth are worse....Now, I was bulimic and I guess still am! although I no longer purge the urge will always be there, the fatal desire to dispose of every mrsel that I consume is omni present!! and for me it is all about appearance and my perception of myslef as beautiful.......and I think I was. I see a picture of myself at 6 stone, every bone visable and I still think I look great
but now....I have an artificial hip. I walk with a limp and lurch due to one femur being broken beyond repair and three compound ankle fractures leaving one leg 2 inches shorter. My torso is twisted due to two vertebra snapping and my rib cage and cocyx deformed from numerous breaks.....my teeth are mostly dentures as the rest just crumbled and my jaw bone shattered upon having an extraction....
If you can imagine a Flake bar made by Cadburys and an Aero Bar and then imagine what happens when you try to break them...The Flake just falls apart in little splinters and the Aero breaks cleanly once. My bones, and probably yours as well, are like the Flake......the last Xray when I broke my femur in 4 places ( ouch) shows this Flake effect all too painfully and clearly...... I am held together by pieces of metal now and hurt all the time. I can't dance or run or play and it would be hard for me to get to the loo on my own......and most of all I am not beautiful in my eyes or any one elses, just a crippled skinny aging woman.

So, I am not saying to you to stop purging, far from it. That is a part of you and a very important part of your identity, ( perhaps your only identity: It was my only identity for many many years. ) But please have a care for your bones. If Alendronate is on offer TAKE IT ( please try not to purge that day even if it means a whole day of fasting). If Calcium is on offer TAKE IT....there is no point in you having come so far with so much suffereing just to be broken and unrepairable at the age of 50....

You are a brave lass. We Bulimics all are. We have to be to face our lives. Be that bit braver and look after the bones. You cannot get them back.

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User: arwens_ghost
Date: 2009-12-31 21:47 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Haunting me
SO sorry not to reply for so long but it's part one of my problems - keeping in touch with people and reading my emails!

You sound to me like a lovely caring person who is actually very much stronger than you probably think.

If you think how much determination, stubborn-ness and (if weird)strength takes to even have a serious eating disorder - we all have it. It's a horrible vice that's bad for our health but it DOES mean we're determined and strong - so I try to think there's always hope. Even a small goal like helping or counseling a few people.
You've cheered me up, anyway - thank you.
xx. T.

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User: tungata1
Date: 2009-12-31 22:43 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Haunting me
So glad that you replied...my friends really have 'feast or famine' with me emailing; it is either twice a day for a month or three months without a word........
Strong....yep.....spent a lifetime being strong and never knowing it till a few months ago...hiding it under a mask of weakness and timidity!!! Everyone else could see it though!
But you are an inspiration to us all!
Happy New Year! and look after yourself ( please!)
Diana ( aka tungata1)
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User: arwens_ghost
Date: 2009-12-31 23:34 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Haunting me
Sorry to be a 'famine' poster, but being in contact with people is kind of hard for me, as I suppose it is for many of us with EDs.
Just to say Hi and give you best wishes.
Hopes for a better year!
xx. T.
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User: tungata1
Date: 2010-01-01 00:21 (UTC)
Subject: Re: Haunting me
Ah! Bless you! Thank you!
Me.. I am terrified of people I know, so I know just where you are coming from ! Strangers, no problem; people I know....ooh! scary! They expect too much of me.
A good year to you too.
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