My heart is mine to give to whom I will

..and I have the Gift of a Mortal Life..or choose to fade with the Grey Ships.

25 March
"Long, long journey out of Nowhere, Long long way to go,
But what are sighs and what is sadness to the heart that's coming home"
- Enya

If you are reading this, thank you and I will assume that you have some interest in me or my life, so I'll do my best to explain my own little existence on this Earth.

I am of English, with Irish and Welsh decent and proud of it. I was born in Kuwait because my Dad had a job over there. It was a fab place to be a kid, but England has always been my home. Both my parents are from south England and most of my family live here.

Eating Disorders, Clinical Depression, alcoholism and have dogged me for many years and a lot of my journal refers to this type of thing - (just saying this in case you might find it triggering. I enjoyed school, did well and studied biological sciences at York university. It was then I developed my anorexia which ruined the next 8 years of my life. my journal makes many references to my eating disorders - just a warning to those of you who may not wish to read about such things.

The other point I would like to make is that through my near death experiences with anorexia and EDNOS problems (I don't exagerate), so much good has come out of it all. I am not recovered, but I am a lot further on mentally and feel a little better able to cope. Having been through all of this trauma and disease I feel a stronger person. I fuck up on a regular basis, but hey ho.. Having an addictive disease, be it food, depression, alcohol or drug related has not made me a bad person. I've had problems with all of these. It means I am fully able to empathise and relate with others. At the moment, I am attempting (with ambivalence) to get into some form of recovery from this illness. It's hard, but I have hopes.

The things in my life that make me tick are my loving parents, they're not together anymore and that makes me sad and confused. They were married for for about 35 years and he decides to go off with a half-daft secretary. They are both, however, very supportive and loving.

I live for my cats, particularly my little Tabby, my hamster and have an almost unhealthy Lord of the Rings obssession.

At the moment I'm in the process of moving into my own apartment and away from my old home. I've lived with my mum FAR too long - as much as I love her. - and I'm also half-heartedly job hunting. It's very hard in the current economic climate, there are NO jobs available, and even if I do get as far as an interview I can see that no-ones going to want to employ a skinny, pale anorexic. I think recovery is a must and I'm hopeful. My new therapist is great!

I love music and choose what I listen to carefully, but have eclectic tastes. I love Enya, Catatonia, The Beautiful South and Avril Lavigne especially. The Lord of the Rings and Titus Groan trilogies are my favorite books. E.A. Poe is pretty cool, too. Amongst my favorite films are Rain Man, LOTR - obviously, Chicago, Saw, Pride and Prejudice, Intolerable Cruelty, The Terminal and Evita.

I love and collect semi-precious stones like rose quartz, smokey quartz, tiger eye, lapis lazuli, amethyst, citrine - all of that sort of thing. I'm sure there is something special about them and am usually to be found wearing a pendant or a bracelet of one sort or another.

I'm not religious in the classic sense. Generations of my family have handed on the belief to me that if you just try to do your best, treat other people in the manner with which you would wish them to treat you - you can't go far wrong.

I love to laugh. Without a sense of humour my life would not be worth living.

Thanks for reading - if you made it this far - I appreciate it.

"May it be the evening star shines down upon you.
When the night is overcome, may you rise to find the sun." Enya